in a need of some venting…
I thought it was time for some Amanda time.. or more like venting time. I haven’t done that in a while, and only 6 days left til I have to sit infront of a complete stranger explaining every little dark thought. I’m terrified. Absolutley terrified to do that. I shouldn’t be though, right? this could actually help me. But what if it doesn’t? what if I just go into a deeper depression, and I sit here all hopeless. God. Whatever.
I wish we knew when we were kids that it was important to plan your future, I would’ve started soooo early. I know it’s not too late yet, but it would’ve been so much easier. But I guess, nothing’s easy? nothing’s ever simple. Screw it. All right?
So.. I’ve realized that the people I thought was my best friends, aren’t. I’ve realized, I don’t actually have a best friend. you know? yes, I have a best friend. But I don’t have one person in my life, that I can tell EVERYTHIN to. Most do, most have that person. I don’t. ‘Cause I can’t open up. I have such hard time opening up to people, it’s ridiculous. and if I open up, I expect so much more from them. All the people I’ve opened up to, that much… Yeah I’ve lost them, or they’ve just realized I wasn’t good enough. I know I’m not. But I don’t like it when people find out and remind me.
I’m not stupid. I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid. I have my ways to be honest, to tell people how they should be, and what they should do. ‘Cause I would actually like it if people did the same thing to me, and told me when I should calm down, when I should take the first step. When I should do this, and that. But I’ve never had that, I’ve always learned everything the hard way and I’ve always worked things out on my own. Maybe that’s why, I don’t like love, or clingy people. I hate people who depend too much on other people, like they couldn’t breathe without them. It’s ridiculous.
Anyway… I don’t know what I wanted to say with this. I’ll write better someday.
Goodnight, xxxx. Stay cute.. for me (:
